Seeking a Spouse: The Trouble with Our Ummah Today (Part TWO)

By Medina Yasmine

To begin, I have just a few corrections that some may have taken the wrong way within my previous article "Seeking a Spouse: The trouble with our Ummah today." 
So allow me to revisit the idea of the "REAL MAN," and further explain where I was truly coming from...

Now, I would not say that Hollywood portrays men completely in an "Unreal light" but rather that it portrays them in an INCOMPLETE light. The reason for this analogy is that I believe that men can be compassionate, loving, emotional, nurturing creatures at times, however, that's just it....."At Times." Then there are those times when men become dominate strong-willed cold as ice providers who would rather chew glass then to cry or show any type of vulnerability; especially when they know women are watching. Traditionally man has always been the one to go out and hunt. He braved the elements, at times to his own peril, to feed his woman who in turn reared their young in a show of solidarity and family support. However, as we have all come to know man and the definition of one is flexible and differs depending on the individual. Is a man who cries at his daughters wedding some how less than the man who sucker punches the drunk ignoramus over a smart remark made about his wife? Is the man who stays home to rear the young while his woman goes to work and fulfills her dream of being a surgeon somehow less than the man who is a surgeon while his wife waits to rub his feet? I do not believe so.
    Throughout history women have proven time and time again that they are indeed as strong as men in every aspect with exception to physical strength and even in that area there has been room for good competition. No man can claim a single duty as his own with exception to being a man. So, what does it mean to be a man? Is it defined in his physical strength? Perhaps, his sexual organs...or is it maybe his ability to earn money or provide food? Of course not because all of those tasks and abilities can clearly be accomplished by any good woman (and in the case of "sexual organs" it can be accomplished with a little sexual reassignment surgery). Then what is it that separates man from woman?  
    A man is a male person who has the experience of growing and the wisdom of using that knowledge to be a productive member of his family and his society. A man knows how to produce income, manage that income, hunt for food, rear the young, help a neighbor, love his God, cherish his family, and most importantly make mistakes, admit to them (sometimes depending upon the size of ego...), and then correct them. A man knows how to step aside and support his woman in her quest to be an asset to their family. A man can be nurturing, emotional, sensitive, and compassionate as well....Sometimes. This is where a lot of us women get confused. Men do have these qualities, however, not to the extent to where we women may DESIRE for them to. It's almost as though, we look for our men to reflect us, when in reality this is not possible. We women were created to nurture children because we are the chosen ones to carry a baby in our womb for nine months. We experience more physical pain because we are the bearers of the children. This in itself is a huge blessing from Allah (swt). Could you imagine if a man were to have to experience the amount of pain that a women goes through when delivering a child? He would probably want to blow his brains out in order to end the amount of pain experienced...(apologies for the graphic image.) Getting back to what a "Real Man" consists of... 
He is all of those things. He does show compassion and emotion and can be nurturing, etc. AT TIMES!!! Just because it isn't at the times we may need our men to be this specific way, doesn't mean that they do not carry these traits. There are human traits and it is within our upbringings that will bring them out more so, I believe. Hollywood just has a habit of only reflecting the positive aspects so much that we tend to forget what other characteristics a man may exhibit. A man is one who is not perfect, loses his temper, gets revenge, wages war, hates, lies, cheats, struggles, and much more. And quite honestly sisters, if you think about it, WE TOO share some, if not all of these traits of which Hollywood tends to only portray as the "Villain" type. 
    So jumping off of my previous article, It seems to me that women in today's society have gotten fixated on Hollywood's partial version of what a man is and find themselves setting up a lot of unreal expectations for an otherwise imperfect species. I believe that this can easily be cured with some simple yet KEY INGREDIENTS to what allows a relationship to flourish which are, Communication (Not through text or Facebook, but actual Face to Face communication with no cell phones involved), effort and a REALISTIC look at what both parties within the relationship have to offer. If you tell your man that you expect certain things (REALISTICALLY) he will be better equipped to meet your needs or to relay to you what he cannot do. If you are dating a high school dropout who has had 6 jobs in 3 years then you are kidding yourself if stability is on your list of priorities. If your man has 4 kids to 3 different women then you may be fooling yourself if you think he is in the relationship for the long haul. However, on the reverse side of things if he has graduated, sought higher education, and likes to save money then he may be better suited for the task of being the man that YOU desire because EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT. Not every Male is a Man. So you have to decide what it is that you desire,  how realistic are your desires, and then find a man you can work with to achieve a harmonious relationship. Because harmony is EARNED not given. It TAKES WORK AND PATIENCE. No one gets that without trial and tribulation. You can have that "Hollywood" man but you both will have to build him together.

Now, taking the spotlight off of what sisters do wrong, and moving over to our Brothers,  I too find that Muslim Brothers do this just as much, if not even more than Sisters.  I see Muslim Brothers who want their potential wives to look a certain way, weigh a certain weight, dress a certain way in regards to donning the hijaab....yet you see these same brothers scoping out beautiful women on the internet or not even thinking of lowering their gaze when they see a Sister in tight jeans, thin waist, long hair and high heels walk by. Brothers want model wives, yet aren't quite ready to reciprocate in being an actual "model husband." Too many double standards and hypocrisy linger within our Ummah, so much so that it has become part of the norm. We seem to be forgetting all the teachings of which our Prophet Muhammad (saws) had reminded us of via Hadith, such as,"A woman is married for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" [Muslim]. 
We seem to become so lost within the shuffle between what is expected of us as believers verses what we desire due to the duniyah's influences on our subconsciousness. It's almost like a "tug-o-war" (back and forth battle) between wanting to desire what we feel is halaal, yet because most of us have fallen into the ways of the duniyah, it's almost as though we're trapped by our nafs. I've seen this struggle many times, especially among the Muslim brothers who preach day in and day out of how women need to cover, and scold their Sisters for not donning proper hijaab, yet they glance a little harder and longer at the sisters who show a little more skin. Lets be honest, when a brother doesn't have to "wonder" what lies beneath the hijaab because a sister may leave less to the imagination, it entices one more, since they can clearly SEE that she's beautiful, and they don't have to wonder, "is she bald?!" LOL. 
This is a growing trend though among those who try to make it seem as though "only what we exhibit on the outside is what shows that we are Muslim."
You'll find many hypocrites who preach this and that, and say such things as, "You're doing haraam and will go to hell if you don't present yourself in a certain way such as wearing hijaab or niqaab." They preach day in and day out of the beauties found in hijab. They try to remind us sisters that this is what is asked of us, as believing women. They talk and talk and talk about how much MORE beautiful we sisters are in our hijab. Yet at the very same time, they also busy yourselves chatting it up with women who put their beauty on display regularly. They busy themselves in the many glances of bare skin and long flowing hair. They say they're looking for the next Aisha, (r.a.) or the next Khadijah (r.a.), yet they can't seem to turn their heads away from the bikinis long enough to just acknowledge that their hijabi sisters are right there, attempting to help them. This is what I call that "two faced" syndrome... they show two faces at once. It's understandable that we all have our demons and weaknesses, but it's not fair to harp on the sisters saying, "Sister, when you don't wear full hijab, it's haraam," when at the same time, they still continue to show within their very actions what their preferences really are. Words are merely sounds in the ear when there aren't actions to follow. 

We busy ourselves on the certain details, yet overlook the entire concept of our duty as believers. Islam is such a beautiful religion, but it's the believers that have made it less appealing. Even the Prophet (saws) reminded us of how much harder we seem to make things on ourselves, when it is suppose to be natural and easy. On other occasions he  has also stated that,'This Deen or way of life is easy'; Abu Hurayrah relates that Prophet Muhammad (peace be upon him) said: This religion is easy. 'Make it easy, don't make it difficult; 'Let people rejoice in being Muslims and not run away from it' and 'Cheerfulness towards other people, even a smile is a sadaqah or charity to be rewarded by Allah'. 
No one becomes harsh and strict in the religion without it overwhelming him. So fulfill your duties as best as you can and rejoice. Rely upon the efforts of the morning and the evening and a little at night and you will reach your goal." (Al-Bukhari)
This further confirms for us the concept of moderation. When we become too extreme in certain areas, we not only make things harder for ourselves, however we also make it harder for others and leave the potential to scare others away from wanting to learn more. The Prophet (peace be upon him) says: Even in Qur'an Allah (swt) reminds us of this. Allah (swt) says: {Thus We have made you a moderate nation.} (Al-Baqarah 2: 143) 
Everything in moderation restores balance and generates peace and tranquility. But when we believers place standards upon each other, it only leaves others to feel resentment and breeds negativity. 
So going back to what we seek in a spouse....

We must be more sensitive towards each other when we set up these standards for ourselves and what we seek in a spouse. Remembering that we are ALL SLAVES to the ALMIGHTY and remembering that WE'RE ALL HUMAN needs to be something that plays the common denominator in all equations. So, when you do find that someone who may approach you or show interest......FIRST, check to see if their imaan is there, even if it may not be as strong as you would like. Remember you may have been there once upon a time. As the late Malcom X once quoted, "Don't be in such a hurry to condemn a person because he doesn't do what you do or think as you think. There was a time when you didn't know what you know today." We all have the potential to learn and grow..."From the cradle to the grave, it's our duty to our Creator to never stop learning. This is where that factor of being patient needs to come into play. No one is perfect! And don't base your decisions on culture when your faith is suppose to be in ALLAH swt alone. When we divert from HIS WAY, we merely make it harder on ourselves. Allah swt puts it so clearly for us of what we should seek in a spouse within the wisdom of the Qur'an as well as His messenger, Prophet Muhammad (saws), but because we have so many outside factors that shape our judgments, we begin losing our hearing to HIS WORDS and REMINDERS. 
My dear Ummah, don't get lost within the woods of this duniyah. Like the story of Hansel and Gretel, make sure you leave enough "breadcrumbs" to find your way back to the straight path, should you become lost. It's very easy to get lost within the woods of duniyha, however, with prayer as your armor and Qur'an and hadith as your compass, you can never become too lost. Remember to keep HIM with you in ALL AFFAIRS, especially in matters of the heart.
And ALLAH TRULY KNOWS BEST!!! 

(Thank you T. Thornton for your response and insight regarding my previous article)