Writen by Medina Yasmine
All too often I experience a Muslim sister complaining about how there are no decent Muslim men around. However, I find that many times their definition of "Decent" equates to what we see in the movies and on television. Sisters, DO NOT BE FOOLED, these examples of what society says of what a "real man" is, it does not exist.
The problem with women of today is that we all expect this idea of our prince charming or a knight in shinning armor to ride in on his great white horse to save us, their “damsel in distress," however this cartoon like scenario comes from the imagination of the non-believers. The Western ways of thinking is built primarily on the glitz & glam of Hollywood. In the movies, men are portrayed as the loving, emotional, compassionate, caring and nurturing beings, of which Allah did not design them to be. We expect our men to feel a certain way about us and love us a certain way according to what we see in the movies and we fall in love with a false idea of what we feel a “Real Man” is suppose to be. Men too try to fit within this image of what they "think" women want, and so they say all the right things in order to attempt to fit within that unrealistic mold, however, they walk blindly within the traps of duniyah, not fully understanding that Allah (swt) did not create them to be this way. This is the distorted idea of what we women have allowed ourselves to become trapped into thinking. This is also why our Ummah is beginning to meet the same number in statistics in regards to the divorce rates among non-believers, and also we're beginning to see a greater number of women partaking in homosexual relationships due to the expectations that women have placed upon our male counterparts, and their inability to meet what we have formed within our minds as the "ideal man." We further take this concept and remind ourselves never to settle for less, and of course, because we have built such an un-achievable platform within our standards of what we feel we deserve, we continue searching. The problem here comes from what we have allowed our conscious to be diluted with...this false reality that will only prove to be of our demise if we let it.
Also, this discrepancy in the idea of man comes from a drastic change within societal roles. The 21st Century has developed a new family dynamic which has somewhat caused much disruption in the chemistry of how we are designed to think. Women….being forced to become the breadwinners of their households while also having to maintain the nurturing role for our children has caused much imbalance in how we treat ourselves as well as our men. Women have been forced to also wear the pants because of this, in turn giving way to many of them having lost respect for their male counterparts and some carry themselves with an invincible high egotistical attitude...and this too influences the way we women treat our men, AstagfiruAllah!
There is a vicious cycle here, because single mothers are being forced to raise their male children on their own without much influential support from the fathers…and with a lack of a dominate male figure which had once existed, now contributes to the so called “mama’s boy,”….and of course is bringing about the wide spread of "baby mamas." We lack REAL MEN who want to stay around to be what they never had…..and on that same note, lacking "REAL WOMEN" who once knew the crucial reality in the importance in how to raise our boys to become “Real Men” because they, themselves have no idea of what a Real Man is suppose to be like. As Iyanla Vanzant so wisely refers to them as "Fatherless sons," she describes them as having a whole within their souls of which is the shape of their father. When young men do not have a primary example to go from, when they bring children into the world, it's as though they're set on stage to act without a script nor with any type of acting experience. And when placed in that situation, anyone would develop a sense of "stage fright." In these instances, you'll find the innate question of whether you FIGHT, or FLIGHT.....Again, this leading into why there is continuance of this repeated cycle that only leaves a domino effect to why there is such a great problem with women in regards to being happy and content in a relationship. The standards are far too high for these men, and the patience and tolerance is far too low because of the situations we've allowed ourselves to remain in for too long. Those situations ultimately leave bad tastes in our mouths and we live future experiences according to the few that rubbed us the wrong way. But sisters, THERE IS HOPE!!!
The first step to changing a behavior or habit is to first to become AWARE of it. Accept the fact that you may hold your preferences a bit to that of which you see in the movies. Once you acknowledge it, only then can you take the first steps in trying to change your concept of what's realistic vs. what's not so realistic. So the next step is to learn. Read or take a course on what to look for in a mate according to Qur'an, hadith and sunnah.
The Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) mentioned various characteristics that people, by their nature and custom, look for in a spouse. He did not advocate any of them, but merely stated them as facts of human nature except for the issue of "Deen", i.e., a prospective spouse's piety and practice of Islam - their fulfilling of the wajib and their avoidance of the haram. About this characteristic, the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) said "alaikum bi dhaati ad-deen" or "it is upon you to seek the one of piety". This is an order and quite different from the general statement at the beginning of the hadith which says "a woman IS MARRIED for her deen, her wealth or her beauty. You must go for the one with deen, may your hands be in the dust! (if you fail to heed)" [Muslim].." and separates the issue of deen from the other mundane issues and puts it in a category by itself. Also, when the Prophet (peace and blessings be upon him) says at the end of the hadith "may your hands be in the dust", invoking this negative outcome on those who disregard his order, it can only refer to the order to see the spouse with piety, since that is the only order in the hadith. (http://www.islamswomen.com/
The Prophet Muhammad (saws) further goes onto state that --
"When someone with whose religion and character you are satisfied asks to marry your daughter, comply with his request. If you do not do so, there will be corruption and great evil on earth. " (Tirmidhi).
As believers, this further explains that we need not make it difficult for those who do approach us who do show a sound character and religious mind set. Yes, obviously you have to get along with the individual, as you will be living under the same roof together, however, all too often I find brothers and sisters making these important characteristics the last priorities on their lists or at least after looks, income, education, etc. This is NOT what the Prophet (saws) has taught us through his example. If anything this goes completely against his teachings, and until we as believers are able to grasp this concept and adopt his ways and teachings into our ways of thinking, we will continue to experience more divorces and committing of haraam acts such as zina and homosexuality. Keep in mind that these acts only further drives us away from the path towards our Creator. Our impulsive desires become front and center when we forget where our MOST desired final destination lies, which is in the Jannah Firdous.
May Allah (SWT) guide us onto the straight and right path and further protect us from the whispers of Shaytan. Ameen Ameen YA RABBI.
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